Four years ago tonight

Tonight, four years ago, I gave birth to a screaming infant while an episode of The Office was on the labor room TV. Poignant memory, I know.

I had no idea what I was getting into and I was really, truly afraid of labor and the pain I knew it would bring. It was all worth it. It has all been worth it. I can’t believe Madelyn is four years old today. I’m feeling a bit emotional this year. Even in the last two weeks, she is showing signs of becoming more independent of us, and while that means Frank and I have done something right as parents, it is a bittersweet feeling.

For all the things I may have taught her, she has taught me so much more. Like how to give when you think you really don’t have anything left to give. Parents somehow find patience, energy, understanding -- all those things you sometimes deny to yourself or to those you love. A child just takes and takes. And they give and give.

Maddie has taught me that I am in fact not “bad with kids,” as originally thought before I had kids. She has taught me that while explaining things to her, I myself always learn something new.

Madelyn made Frank and me a family.

And while for me there were some dark days when I thought I had to give up all of Janet to be Maddie’s Mom, she reminded me to laugh and play and tickle and hug, and I learned to love that silly part of myself again.

I guess in a selfish way, her birthday is a milestone for me as well. While sitting in her reading chair last night, between play time and book reading, I managed to convince her to be still for 45 seconds. I looked at her beautiful face and told her how much I love her and how proud I am of her and all that she has grown to become. I told her that I would always, always love her and do anything for her. I needed to tell her all those things, even if she is only turning four and not eighteen.

By this time, the Mommy waterworks were flowing and she looked at me with a sullen face and said something very meaningful……. “Mommy, can you not talk like that anymore?”

That’s why I love her. She makes me laugh even when I’m crying.